TVF: Meet The Potters
by roxypony
Summary: Paris's birthday falls on the same day as his oldest and dearest wizard friend, so naturally a playdate ensues. Entry for Amela333's Summer Quote Contest!


Charna's Tits! I actually got this done... with an hour and 2 minutes to spare! The moment I saw the due date for this contest I knew without a doubt that I'd be posting it at the last possible second before I head off to the Paris (Not France) Tournament for the weekend... I knew this week I'd be going nonstop to get ready for the weekend, so naturally I finally started on Monday - I fail ungracefully at time management. Meh.

Anyway, Amela333 this is for you! I think you'll enjoy it... ;)

My quote was _Time's flyin' by. Movin' so fast, you better make it count cuz you can't get it back! _- from 'So Small' by the great Carrie Underwood.

(Of course I have a shitload of chapter notes, but they can be found at the bottom because it'll make more sense after you've read it.

Enjoy!

* * *

It was a typical day in Vampire Mountain. Outside was Summery and beautiful, with many birds singing, butterflies...doing whatever the hell butterflies do...and cute fluffy animals roaming happily. Inside was... a hell hole of barbaric and culturally ignorant Vampires trying to drop each other on stakes.

"Seba, hold still!" Mika groaned, sprinting after his elderly companion who was currently tearing down the halls. Arrow gallumphed beside him, eagerly holding out a camcorder set on Vampire Mode.

"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, NEVERRR!" their targer screeched.

"We don't want you at all!" Arrow snapped. "We just need 5 minutes of your time to-"

Seba stopped and turned to face the two younger Vampires. "Must I spell it out for you asinine imbecillic fools? Obama's nation is an abomination. The Canadian Prime Minister has hair made of than despicable cement nonsense, and he has a kitten that he does not deserve. The French man needs a...a...how does Kurda say? NOSE JOB. And all the others are simply OUT TO GET ME. Now if you do not mind, I wish to go watch _Extreme Couponing._"

"Okay then." Arrow shrugged. "I guess that concludes our episode about world leaders of politics. Let's get this on Youtube!"

"Sickkk." Mika grinned. "This one will break 100000 views for sure."

"But snack time first?" Arrow suggested.

"Snack time first." Mika agreed.

The two gallivanted into the kitchen, where there was a massive tray of decoratively iced squares and cupcakes sitting rather conveniently on the table.

"Score." Arrow declared, reaching for them.

Then, like a ninja, someone bolted into the kitchen with a vengeance, and promptly knocked the bald Prince over with a clatter of chairs.

"PARIS WHAT THE HELL?" Arrow groaned, rubbing his bumped head and glaring up at his assailant.

The elderly Prince eyed his younger friend with an expression of extreme peevishness.

"Those... are not for you." he declared with finality.

"We're Princes. The entire Vampire world is our bitch. And that includes those cupcakes." Mika disagreed, reaching. He met the same fate as Arrow.

Once the beaten Princes had stood up and dusted themselves off, Paris sat down with a wide grin and beckoned for them to do the same.

"I think my brain is dislocated..." Arrow grumbled.

"Your brain was dislocated long before that chair collided with your skull." Paris replied pleasantly. "Now, please play attention-"

"You lost me." Mika interrupted, getting back up and opening the fridge hopefully. "DUDE THERE'S A CAKE IN H-"

"DO NOT TOUCH!" Paris wailed, flying over and slamming the fridge.

"We're not allowed to eat anymore? Is this some kind of overthrow scheme? You're trying to starve us out so you can be Head Prince?" Arrow inquired suspiciously. "Because I'M Head Prince."

"No, no, no, and BULLSHIT." Paris replied. "Anyway. Boys, I suppose there is no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just come right out and say it."

"Are we moving?" Mika gasped.

"Are you and Seba getting a divorce?" Arrow wondered.

"ARE WE GETTING A PUPPY?" Kurda came galloping into the kitchen, closely followed by Darren, Harkat, Seba, and Larten.

"Are we going on vacation?" Darren asked apprehensively.

"Are we having...a baby?" Harkat inquired hopefully.

"Is someone dying?" Larten added.

"Are we converting to cannibalism?" said Seba offhandedly.

"Oh, gods." Paris muttered. "Darren, I now understand why your hair is turning gray."

"IT IS?"

"Before you jump to any more startling conclusions, I will share my news." Paris continued.

"If you're dying, don't forget me in your will." Mika commented.

Paris plowed forward, ignoring Mika's affectionate notation.

"My friends, we are having guests."

###

Apparently, "having guests" meant scrubbing the Mountain from top to bottom, eliminating ALL of the dust bunnies. Some had advanced to the point where they resembled actual life-sized bunnies. There was also the matter of bloodstains here and there that needed to be attended to.

"Do we...even get...to...find out...who...these guests..._are_?" Harkat demanded indignantly as shuffled down the entrance hall with scrubbing brushed tied to his feet.

"My dear friend... Al." Paris replied with a serene smile as he adjusted a picture frame. "He will also be accompanied by several friends of his own. I am not yet sure who exactly."

"That...narrows it...down." Harkat grumbled, shuffling away leaving a trail of soap bubbles that were mopped up by Mika.

"Can Darren be our taskmaster again?" the dark Prince whined. "At least when I kick him, he doesn't talk back."

Paris kicked him.

###

It soon became apparent that Paris was a much more effective taskmaster than Darren. Within two hours, the dust bunnies had been vanquished (although Kurda insisted on keeping them as pets), the spiderwebs had been swept out of all the corners (Larten was furious that his dear arachnid friends' hard work had gone to waste), and halls were un-bloodied (including the fresh stain that had occurred when Arrow and Mika had participated in a spontaneous sword fight using mops and it got slightly out-of-hand.) The Mountain (at least the commonly used areas) was spiffily spotless for the first time in... ever.

"Can we...eat...now?" Harkat begged as the intrepid cleaners came trooping into the kitchen, where Paris was nibbling a cupcake,

"I THOUGHT THOSE WERE FOR THE GUESTS!" Mika roared furiously upon seeing this.

"And the host." Paris shrugged. "But worry not, young Ver Leth. We have not forgotten your hard work... check the fridge, you will find several lovely specimens or fruit which you are welcime to consume at your leisure."

"I DON'T DO FRUIT!" Mika groaned.

"Oooooh but Mika, fruit is good for your figure!" Kurda disagreed, snagging a handful of strawberries.

"I DON'T HAVE A FIGURE!" the dark Prince screamed furiously.

Kurda muttered something about _"PMS..."_

And then, the doorbell rang.

"They're here, ooh they're here!" Paris clapped his hands delightedly and hopped off his stool.

"Joy." Larten sighed, following him.

"Come come come!" Paris demanded, waving frantically at his gang as they stalked towards the front door.

The doorbell rang again, seemingly more insistant than the first time. Paris skipped up to it, and swung it wide open with a delighted, "HELLO!"

5 Vampire (Seba not included, he was distracted by the fact that these intruders had the nerve to ring the bell twice.) and one Little Person's eyes became wide as dinnerplates.

"Oh-" Darren gasped.

"-My-" Mika gulped.

"-Charna's-" Harkat added.

"-BIG WOODEN WAND." Arrow finished loudly.

Standing in the doorway of Vampire Mountain was a tall man with a long white beard and flamboyant suit of turquoise. A bald red-eyed man who looked like he'd taken a nose job much too far. A man with baby-blue eyes and luxurious blond hair. A creature slightly taller than Harkat with batlike ears who wore a sock on every limb. A man with greasy shoulder-length black hair, black robes, and an expression to match. A shorter, wider guy with a phsyco-lookinh eye. A woman with an emerald green hat and a very stern expression. And in the very center of the group, a boy with black hair and round glasses who looked like he was expecting the very world to explode around him.

For a moment, the Vampires simply stared at the newcomers in dead silence. The only sound was the blinking of shock.

Then Kurda plowed through the awkwardness with the first question that popped into his mind:

"But...how'd they get out of the TV?"

###

Five minutes later, the newcomers had been introduced as Albus Dumbledore, Tom Riddle, but if anyone referred to him as anything but Lord Voldemort he threw violent hissy fits (literally hissy), Lucius Malfoy, Dobby the House Elf, Severus Snape, Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, Minerva McGonagall...and none other than Harry Potter himself. However, an introduction was quite unecessary. Now the newly expanded gang was spread across the living room, fully stuffing the various couches and armchairs even more than they usually were.

"So..." Kurda gasped. "Wizards are like... _real_?"

"Do we look _fake_, you insolent boy?" Severus demanded, advancing on Kurda who yelped and hid behind Arrow.

"Hmmm... _insolent_. I'm gonna use that one." Mika commented. "Thanks, man."

"You see, my dear Mr. Smahlt, Wizards and Vampires have existed alongside each other for centuries. Although our races do not interact extensively, we maintain a fair knowledge and respect for each other. Your friend Mr. Skyle was even a teacher at Hogwarts, dozens of decades ago. He taught Magical Inter-Racial Relations, which is sadly no longer a subject... I'm sure you must have heard of Hogwarts." Albus explained with a kind smile.

Kurda looked simply awestruck. When he finally found his voice, all he managed was:

"...Nobody's _ever_ called me _Mr._ Smahlt before."

"Has this poor bugger been dropped on his head?" Moody inquired quizzically, observing Kurda out of his normal eye.

"8 times." Arrow piped up. "5 of which I entirely take credit for."

"And what methods do you use?" the man called Voldemort inquired with interest, whipping out a notepad and a pen.

"Let's see... well, I always like using stairs to my advantage because it looks like a total accident, see? I can set a fruity pink drink one one of the stairs, then pour liquid soap on the ones above and below it...then boom, instant hilarity."

"Fascinating." Voldemort murmured, writing frantically. "You must tell me more."

"Okay, I got this huge toolbox of stuff for my custom Hummer, y'know like ratchets and screw drivers and stuff. They're not real heavy but you should hear him scream when one 'accidentally' lands on his foot..."

Voldemort nodded eagerly and continued note-taking. Nearby...

"Sooo. What kinda shampoo do you use? Your hair is so ridiculously lustrous it's not even fair" Kurda declared, eyeing Lucius's scalp.

"Umm, well I'm like a hardcore John Frieda junkie. I learned that from my daddy." Lucius replied, twirling a strand of platinum blond absent-mindedly.

"NOO WAAY." Kurda gasped. "I use John Frieda every single day of my LIFE! But my split ends are on a total power trip!"

"Ooooh." said Lucius knowingly. "Do you have the Blondification Bomb Blasting Spray? Cuz if you wanna kill the little splitters, you gotta LOAD up on the BBBS like, BEFORE you shampoo-"

"But I always do it after..." Kurda groaned, running his fingers through his blondness.

"Ohh no you did-nt!" Lucius remarked with a snap of his fingers. "You see, the BBBS reacts to the shampoo cuz it has like, little chemical thingies. And THAT'S what totally fixes split ends like they were never even there."

"Suddenly my world makes sense..." Kurda breathed, wearing a facial expression like he did in Hollister on Boxing Sale Day. Utter euphoria. "MIKA, MIKA MIKA MIKA! GUESS WHAT!" he burst out. "YOU GOTTA USE THE BOMB BLASTING SPRAY _BEFORE _THE MEGA-GLOSS SHAMPOO!"

Mika was too busy swapping favourite intimidating facial expressions with Severus Snape.

"...Now, with _this_ one..." he was saying as he raised his eyebrows as high as he could go and bared his teeth. "...I tend to save it for emergencies, like when I _really _need people to get out of my way."

"Interesting..." Severus contemplated. "I myself tend to lean more towards lack of eyebrow movement, coupled with lip-shaping. However, I intend to take some of your suggestions back and test them on First-Years. I shall photograph the results and have them sent to you."

"Ookay." Mika replied eagerly. "And I'll let you know what Kurda does when I do that growl-sneer thing you showed me. I've never been much of a sneerer, but you make it look so effortless!"

"I assure you, it is quite simple to catch on. Soon you will no longer need to speak, you can simply commiunicate through facial expression or lack thereof." Severus concluded with a smirk.

"ARROW, have you MET this guy? He's re-inventing the imtimidating glares we thought we'd perfected!" Mika whooped delightedly.

"Not now bro, Voldie's teaching me how to strangle people with my mind." Arrow shot back happily, then resumed an expression of intense concentration as he tried to mind-strangle Kurda.

"That is utterly prepostrous. Arrow does not posess a single drop of magical blood, he will find that entirely impossible!" Larten scoffed.

"Tom was never one for forethought. But as long as he doesn't let your friend hold his wand, everything will be-"

_**BANG! **_

"Oops." said Arrow.

"-fine." McGonagall finished dryly.

"Ma'am, may I ask you a question?" Larten inquired.

"I suppose." McGonagall replied, surveying Larten through her spectacles.

"Would you like to meet my spiders?"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room...

"So...what's your story?" The Boy Who Lived casually asked The Boy Who Became A Vampire For His Dumbass Best Friend.

"Well, I was born normal. Then I went to a freak show, stole a spider that bit my buddy, struck a deal with Ginger over there, became a Vampire, lived with the freaks, killed a phsyco purple dude, came here, drowned, got impaled with rocks, burned alive, and gored by pigs in less than a week, fell down an undergound river, lived with the wolves, came back, killed some guys, became the youngest Vampire Prince ever, then I bought a computer and here we are." Darren finished, trying not to sound too proud.

Harry yawned and glanced at his watch.

"And I already know your story." Darren added. "But I'm a little confused...aren't a couple of these guys supposed to be dead?"

"The lady who wrote my biography exaggerated a little bit." Harry shrugged. "We actually settled things with a thumb war, then we all went to McDonalds."

"Smart." Darren mused, slightly disappointed.

Then he was almost stampeded by Seba who had just been informed by Moody that ceilings should not be trusted. It was thought to be impossible to add to the list of things Seba thought were abominations, but Mad-Eye had achieved it - he had also just informed Seba that not only were The Wiggles evil, they were undercover Death Eaters. Seba had a new catchprase - "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" which Darren expected would become equally as tiresome as his old one, very shortly. Likewise, Moody had added a new word to his vocabulary which began with _A_ and ended with _Bomination_.

Meanwhile, Harkat was investigating Dobby's extensive sock collection, while Dobby polished off Harkat's tub of cookie dough. Every once in a while they snickered that each other talked funny, but it appeared they were already fast friends. Especially two certain blondes, who had both just discovered someone who understood them.

"...So...they have actual _mud_? Like, in their _blood_?" Kurda gasped in awe.

"Yeeeah." Lucius wrinkled his nose. "Isn't that groooosss?"

"That. Is SO icky." Kurda sniffed. "Ewwy ewwy ewwy mudbloods."

And at the very edge of the room, Paris and Albus reclined on the double-footrest La-Z-Boy couch.

"It is excellent to see you, my young friend." Paris smiled happily at his similarly bearded companion.

"Likewise. We have not kept company quite some time, it is delightful to catch up on the goings-on of your bloodsucking world." Albus replied merrily.

"Ah ah. Blood_sippers_." Paris corrected lightly

"Blood_sippers._" Albus agreed.

The two bearded fellows sat in silence for several moments;

"A happy birthday to you, Albus Dumbledore."

"And a very grand date of birth to yourself, Paris Skyle."

"Shall we cut the cake?"

"We shall!"

###

"Haaapy biiirthdaaay tooooo youuuu, haaaapppyyy biiiirrthdaaay tooo yooooou. Haaaappy biiirthday deeeaar Paris and Albuspercivalwulfricbrian! Haaapy biiirthdaaaaay tooooo yooooooooouuu!"

Lucius and Kurda led the chorus, happily waving sparklers like batons. Dobby and Harkat yelled off-key through mouthfuls of ice cream. Arrow and Voldemort moved their lips without actually singing - all the while trying to light Kurda and Lucius's hair on fire with their sparklers. Snape and Mika simply sat and glared, not even pretending to sing. Larten and McGonagall sang to be polite, but they looked distinctly embarrassed. Moody eye-scanned the cake for hidden explosives while Seba systematically snuffed the candles. And Harry and Darren were too busy forking lumps of colourful ice cream into little bowls.

"I don't want any pink. Gimme all blue." Arrow demanded. "Get that bit on the side there."

"Arrow, if you don't want pink, you shouldn't be eating Bubblegum Swirl." Harry grunted. "IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SEPARATE."

"Yeah yeah... just make sure you don't give me any of the lumpy things, cuz that ain't real gum. Thanks champ." he finished, giving Harry a pat on the shoulder.

"Boy, I require the green substance with the black bits, the one at your left. It matches my colour scheme. Pass it to me." Voldemort ordered.

"What's the magic word?" Darren replied with an attempt at a stern expression. Maybe these wizards would be smarter than his Vampires.

"Avada-" Voldemort began.

"NO, TOM!" yelled Dumbledore, swiping Voldemort's wand just in time and saving Darren from getting Kedavra'd. "My apologies, dear child." he said to Darren. "He's still in _rehabilitation..."_

"Oh, I see." said Darren shakily.

"Paaaaris. Why didn't you tell us it was your B-day?" Kurda inquired, tilting his head like a puppy.

"My dear Kurda, when you've celebrated 900 of them, it's hardly worth making a fuss." the old Prince replied with a smile.

"Aaaand... your birthdayses are on the same day?" Lucius added with wide eyes.

"Quite right, my dear Malfoy." Dumbledore answered with twinkly eyes. "Although Paris is 900 years young today, I am a mere 153."

Harry's jaw dropped to the floor. "I am so young..." He turned to Darren. "How old are you?"

"I have absolutely no idea." the boy Vampire shrugged.

"And I thought Hogwarts was weird..." Harry mumbled to no one in particular.

"Does everyone have a piece of cake?" Paris asked over the crowd.

"No, the mean baldies stole mine!" Kurda whimpered.

"And they got green stuff in my hair!" Lucius added miserably.

On the other side of the table, Arrow and Voldemort assumed expressions of pure innocence.

_"I'm watching you, mister!" _Harry and Darren spoke simultaneously. Voldemort muttered something in Parseltongue, it sounded suspiciously like a cuss.

"Woah. Woah. Woah. WHAT?" Arrow gasped.

"Oh, that?" Voldemort commented. "Yeah, no biggie. I'm a pars...parsel...parsley... I can talk to snakes."

"Can you teach me?"

_"Ssssahhh masss diicccchhssss, asssssshoooole. _That's a handy one I use while driving. It means, SUCK MY-"

"TOM, ENOUGH!" McGonagall yelped. Voldemort crossed his arms and glared resentfully.

"Arrow, I am quite sure you are already well versed in cuss words of all languages. You do not need to add Parseltongue to the list." Larten added firmly.

Arrow fluently began cussing him out in improvised Parseltongue.

"Shall we get to our gift exchange before our children come to physical blows?" Dumbledore wondered.

"Oh yes, let's." Paris snickered.

"I GET ONE TOO RIGHT?" Lucius immediately blurted.

"What have we told you? If the cake doesn't look like something out of a My Little Bloody Pony movie...it's not your birthday." Snape grumbled.

"I was wondering why it was brown...and why you were giving me cake on my not-birthday..." the blonde Death Eater sighed.

Both Wizard and Vampire eyes rolled at this comment.

"Here you go, old friend." said Paris happily, handing Albus a wide, flat, square package neatly wrapped in purple with a turquoise bow. "Prehaps you will be able to use this to give your wand a day off."

To no one's suprise, Albus was now the proud owner of a brand new iPad 2.

"How delightful!" the old wizard remarked, examining the flatscreened device. "Now...what exactly is it for?"

"Oh gods, don't ask him that or we'll all die of old age in this kitchen." Darren interjected before Paris could launch into an explanation of exactly what the iPad 2 was for. "Here ya go, Paris." Darren grabbed Albus's gift from beneath the table and tossed it at the bearded Vampire. It was wrapped in lime green, with a delicate tag reading _For Paris Skyle. _

_"OH, ALBUS!" _ Paris gasped upon opening the delicate box. "You _shouldn't_ have!"

"No, really. Albus, you shouldn't have." McGonagall cut in sternly, eyeing the gift in Paris's hands. "That is incredibly dangerous in the hands of the wrong...erm, person. Or Vampire."

"What? It's a kind gesture." Dumbledore shrugged.

"That's a freakin' TIMETURNER. Y'know how many times I could have used one of those, like when the stupid hairdresser gave me those hideous layers?" Lucius bitched.

"OMG ME TOO." Kurda gasped.

"NO WAY." Lucius responded with wide eyes.

"YES WAY!" Kurda shrieked.

Their shrieks went ignored.

"That." Moody remarked to Seba. "Is incredibly dangerous and not to be touched. Terrible things happen to those who run afoul of the Timeturner."

"But..." Seba countered. "Is it as abominable..." he pointed to the toaster. "...as THAT?"

Moody locked eyes with the toaster for a few tense seconds, then replied;

"I daresay not."

"_Thank you._" Paris gasped in awe. "Gods, 900 years to look back on... where will I go first?"

"Can you bring guests? Cuz I can name a certain encounter with a Freak Show and a spider that I'd like to go back and...um...edit." Darren offered.

"Nice try, you are not getting out of this one." Larten snorted, smacking Darren upside the head.

"YOU COULD SAVE MY PARENTS WITH THAT THING!" Harry screeched frantically, jumping up and down.

"For God's sake, Potter. Don't be so selfish." Severus grumbled. "And 50 points from Gryffindor for not using indoor voices."

"The things I could do with that..." Voldemort muttered, making schemey fingers. "I could re-hide all my Horcruxes in a place where nobody would _ever_ find them..."

"Like in your closet under your Playboy magazines?" Harry suggested.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" Voldemort wailed, clutching his skull.

"So you _did_ master Occlumency then?" Snape sneered.

"No. But that's were I'd hide them if it were me." Harry shrugged. "What can I say? We're connected."

"Oh, if Dobby had a time turner... Dobby would go back and meet Harry Potter many many years before, Dobby would... so Dobby would be able to make it to the legendary closing sale of _Harold's International Sock Emporium_... oh the great savings Dobby would have found!" the House Elf lamented.

"I would have...bought two tubs ...of cookie dough...instead of...one." said Harkat.

"That thing can go foward too, right? I wanna see what a 2018 Hummer H2t looks like. Gimme." said Arrow, reaching for the device.

"MINE." Paris snapped, whipping the Timeturner away from Arrow's hopeful fingers. Then all Hell broke loose...again.

Paris meant to maintain a hold on the Timeturner, but it slipped from his fingertips and flew across the room and into the sink, where it landed in a bowl of mushy wet cake batter. Lucius or Kurda could have easily grabbed it since they were closest, but they hesitated because the batter looked 'ewwy'. Then Severus and Mika seized their chance and made a break for it, but they were intercepted by Arrow who held them back while Voldemort grabbed the device, promising Arrow he'd take him on a Hummer tour once he'd gotten his Horcrux business sorted out. But Harry then decided that Voldemort was simply not allowed to win this round, and the young wizard stomped hard on the Dark Lord's toes. The latter shrieked higher than Kurda ever could, and the Timeturner flew into the air once more, and landed in the middle of what remained of the cake...amidst the burning candles. The Timeturner was unharmed, but obtaining it would now prove difficult - these were unsnuffable candles, a Weasley Wizard Wheezes' product.

"Oh crap." said Dumbledore.

"Don't tell me you're stumped by joke shop candles..." Paris grumbled.

"Guilty as charged."

"Just throw some water on it, it's friggin' fire!" Mika shrugged, pulling the water hose out of the kitchen tap and pointing it at the cake.

"MIKA, NOOOO!"

He turned the jet on full blast-

_._

It was like Father's Day 2.0. The cake exploded, seemingly in slow motion. Before the kitchen became engulfed in flames, the group collectively made a mad dash, more or less in synch. Lucius and Kurda were at the front of the pack; both were wearing enough hairspray to set off a nuclear reaction. Seba and Moody were not far behind, hollering about how this was a perfect example of un-constant vigilance causing a-bomb-inations. Arrow and Voldemort sprinted close behind them; somehow Arrow found himself cradling Dobby, and Harkat was piggybacking on the Dark Lord's bony shoulders. Larten made a completely daring move and swept Minerva McGonagall off her feet, literally, and carried her swiftly out of the room. Paris and Dumbledore shuffled after them, muttering in annoyance about how they should have gone with their original plan and go backpacking through Europe instead of introducing their 'families'. Finally, at the end of the line was -naturally- Harry Potter and Darren Shan, with very singed eyebrows. Darren slammed the door once everyone was out, just in time to block pieces of exploding debris from mowing down the survivors. There was one final horrific-sounding boom from inside, then everything went silent.

Cricket, cricket.

Then,

"Those blood-traitor Weasleys need to put a warning lable on those damnable things." Snape huffed angrily.

"It's not YOUR kitchen that just went up in flames!" Darren howled.

"Lookit, Sevvy. There's a warning thingy right here." Lucius held up the box that had contained the candles. _"DO NOT expose to water under ANY circumstances."_

Severus didn't know what he was more angry about; missing something written in blinding neon green, or the fact that he'd been corrected by someone with baby blue eyes and cascading platinum blonde locks.

"Welcome to my hell." Mika muttered, reading Snape's expression.

"Well... shall we see if we still have a kitchen?" Paris suggested merrily. "The door's still there, surely it can't be too-"

He swung the door open.

Darren's bottom lip twitched.

There was nothing left of the kitchen but charred skeletons of the once-sleek and silver appliances. Everything else had been reduced to ash.

"Thank...the...gods..." Harkat gasped.

"That we survived!" Larten finished.

"No. That I...already...finished the...cookie dough." Harkat corrected.

"I did not like the colour scheme anyway." said Larten, trying to be brave.

"But...where are the munchies?" Arrow gulped. "Guys, Shark Week has barely begun. I need those munchies." He looked dangerously close to tears. Voldemort gave him a hug, and everyone else's jaw dropped a few feet.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE MUNCHIES IN A TIME OF NEED!" the Dark Lord snarled. Everyone looked away.

"Not to worry, not to worry." Dumbledore interjected airily. "While I cannot ressurect poor Arrow's munchies - Gamp's Laws of Transfiguration and all - I can resore your lovely kitchen to its' former glory."

And with a wave of his wand, he did so.

"Where are you every time I spend 3 hours cleaning this place up?" Darren gasped in awe, caressing the brand-new aluminum fridge.

"Where's the Timey-thingy?" Kurda pondered, checking all cupboards high and low.

Dumbledore cringed.

"Ah... quite unfortunately, I will be informing the Ministry of Magic that I have...erm, _misplaced _one of the very valuable Time Turners they lent me. You see, once a magical object with such power has been destroyed, it cannot be as easily re-created as these delightful muggle contraptions. I'm afriad the Timeturner is gone for good."

"Prehaps it is for the best." Paris sighed, although looking quite disappointed. "It would not be wise for me to return to the past after all... however much I would like to."

Darren gave him a cautious hug. "You've made it this far, right?"

Paris returned the hug. "Yes, my dear Darren. I most certainly have."

"A toast to seizing the future and leaving the past where it belongs - in the past. May we rise from the ashes of defeat and soar in the present. And may we remember the good times with fondness and allow them to light our way into the future. I have lived a fabulous 153 years, and I can only hope for many more to come." Dumbledore announced, shooting a jet of water from his wand. Everyone grabbed a cup and allowed it to be filled. Paris immediately whipped out his iPad 2 to record the festivities on video.

"To wand water." said Lucius happily. "No calories _at all."_

_"NO WAY!" _Kurda yelped with equal delight.

"To _finally_ learning that iron-studded boxers _do_ exist, and that I can buy them on... what was it?" said Snape.

"eBay." Mika replied happily. "Just keep in mind they're American sizes so you might need one size bigger than usual. Anyway, here's to an extra Barbie to torture." the dark Prince grinned at Lucius, who waved back obliviously.

"Here's to the power of BALDIES!" Arrow and Voldemort synchronized, showing off their new secret handshake - a fistbump followed by the wiggling of all 10 fingers.

"Now all you need is some 'tats!" Arrow cried triumphantly. Voldemort had finally mastered the Universal Bro Firstbump.

"You mean like _thissss?" _Voldie hissed indignantly, rolling up his left sleeve.

"Did that hurt?" Arrow gasped, staring at the Dark Mark. "Mine hurt. Mika had to handcuff me to the wall while I was getting them, and the tattoo lady was scared to come close so she took extra-long, and-"

"Here is to stories that can be saved for another time." Larten interrupted, clinking his green plastic cup against McGonagall's, who giggled.

"Here's to Mr. Crepsley finding someone who doesn't beat him up! Seriously, Arra was reeeal meeean. I'm glad you moved on." Darren chipped in.

McGonagall gave Larten a very odd look. Then Larten turned and fixed his student with a stare that read, _YOU ARE DEAD LATER._

"HERE IS TO CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Seba squawked.

"AND TO THE DEPRECATION OF ABOMINATIONS!" Moody added.

"To...socks!" Harkat wheezed joyfully. Never in his life had he worn them until just now, when Dobby had apparently introduced him to the greatest thing ever.

"To the great and glorious cookie dough!" Dobby squeaked. "It shall now be served as a mandatory main course at EVERY Hogwarts meal, oh yes!"

"Here's to good friends, old and new." said Harry happily.

"20 points from Gryffindor for being sappy." Snape muttered.

"And now I raise a glass to myself." said Paris with a sideways smile. "Although I nor my life has been anywhere near perfect, I have made mistakes and been foolish as we all have at some point or another. But here is to my 900 years, for I would not change a single moment!"

The newly-repaired kitchen errupted in a caccophany of hugging, leaping, chair-knocking, wand-sparking, fist-bumping, "Happy-Birthdaying", head-butting, glass-clinking, bone-crushing joy of both Wizards and Vampires alike.

Albus Dumbledore and Paris Skyle simultaneously agreed that they would get their 'families' together for 'play dates' much more often. Even when you can live for 900 years, life is still too short to ever have enough moments like these.

_Time's flyin by. Movin so fast - you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back._

* * *

That's that! First time writing the HP characters. After like 8 years of being a Potterhead... wow. About freakin' time I say. BUT DONT FORGET TO CHECK OUT SYAYBEAUTIFUL1'S NEW HP FIC 'INNOCENT' CO-WRITTEN BY ME. Fans of OFL and SNS will LOVE this one!

Anyway.

I don't own Extreme Couponing, or the world leaders I mention in the first bit, and I mean them no offence xD Seba's words, not mine. (The Canadian Prime Minister actually does have a kitten. It's freakin cute.)

Mika's line "I DON'T DO FRUIT!" was inspired by something my Computer Tech teacher said on a field trip when they served us fruit cups. Great man.

I really hope I got the HP characters semi-decently written (despite the TVF-style OOC). I hurried as I wrote this, but I really tried to keep them like themselves. With the exeptions of Lucius and Moody - mirrors of their TVF counterparts after all ;)

I know I left out a LOT of HP characters, but there's just SO MANY. So I picked the ones that were most like the TVF boys - it was suprisingly easy to find a match for each of them. I liked how Harry is the only kid, just like Darren ;) Maybe I'll move this to the Xover section later...

Yes... I loved writing the Father's Day explosion so much, I slightly re-incarnated it here :)

Finally, I really hope I did a satisfactory job of tying it into the quote. I picked (quote) first of all because I love the song, and it completely screamed "HEYROXYYY!" from the list. Love it :)

Well, as rushed as it was, I did have a great time with this. I think I subconsciously made it Paris-centric because all I've been hearing this week is PARISPARISPARIS, regarding the tournament. Meh xD

Also, sorry for not updating... anything :/ I got a job recently -alpaca farming ftw- and any second at the computer lately has been dedicated to Innocent, and more recently, this. Between that and the rest of my big fat life I've just had nooo time. :( I'll come back though... don't I always? :)

Follow me on twitter and FB, links on profile.

Hope your weekends are wild :) and pray to whatever God/gods you believe in that I can pull off 3 good runs this weekend... my team is putting the pressure on now that I have Crazyfast Horse.

OFF I GO :)

RXP


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